Little Stories from Linkyshire

Day 1: This Is Evantonian

Thu, 14 Jul 2011 23:21:35 -0500

The sun is raining in through my window.

I feel greatly refreshed.

Today is going to be great.

It is Badminton Day.

After breakfast,

I’m going to prove to the badminton judges

just how good I am.

Afraid of Crackers

Wed, 22 Jun 2011 17:44:00 -0500

Lately, I’ve been afraid of crackers.

You know, they’re very dry,

dryer than they need to be.

Whenever I see a pack of crackers,

in my living room,

in my bedroom,

in my bathroom,

I get nervous.

Why are there so many crackers around?

Why is it that when I’m afraid of them,

they appear?

Maybe its moths.

I dont know, just guessing.

Library Feud

Wed, 15 Jun 2011 17:45:00 -0500

The Librarians from Evantonian came to our library today.

They parked a big white truck in the no parking zone.

Each one of their librarians wore a big grin as they entered our library.

The noise level rose as they came out.

I could actually hear the Library like it was an electronic aria.

And although it was far, far away

I could hear the electronic aria from the Evantonian Library.

Impressed by all the weird loveliness, I started the walk home,

The two electronic arias in my head.

The sound was not at all irritating;

in fact, it was soothing and trance-like.

Everyone in Linkyshire was walking home.

The whole town was sleep-walking

because of what the Evantonian librarians did.

When I got home I was so happy I went to sleep in it.

This was the second odd experience in a fortnight.

LPD Migration

Thu, 02 Jun 2011 21:31:00 -0500

For some reason,

members of the LPD (Linkyshire Police Department) have taken jobs in town.

For instance, Harmon, the night patrol guy, is working as a dishwasher.

Reports indicate they all met by the fountain two nights ago

and threw their hand guns into the water.

I went to check and sure enough

there was a pile of them there

rusting away.

Evantonian truck traffic has increased.

The positive is that the sirens don’t wake me up in the middle of the night.

I appreciate that.

How To Fool a Fly

Sun, 29 May 2011 21:32:00 -0500

Observe the fly on a door frame.

Grab a stiff envelope.

Walk by the fly as if nothing is going to happen.

Once past the fly and out of sight,

turn,

and slap the envelope against the fly’s position.

Observe the fly on the floor in the next room.

For Men: Instructions for a Proper Date

Fri, 29 Apr 2011 21:33:00 -0500

I heard this on the TV the other day on the local Linkyshire station.

I think Mayor Armapple was interviewing a resident psychiatrist…

It was stated with sincerity.

I thought I’d pass it along to you.

Go to a coffee shop.
Get coffee.
Sit down next to a girl you think you like.
Or wait for one to come into the coffee shop. It could take a while.
Strike up a conversation.
Then ask, “Would you like to grab a cup of coffee sometime?”

Fly Season

Fri, 29 Apr 2011 21:33:00 -0500

Or summer as it is sometimes called,

Is coming again.

I am not looking forward to it.

The other day, a big ugly fly banged into my head.

Annoying, and just like fly season.

Iceland sounds better.

I think I’ll go there this summer.

Self-Portrait & Invite

Fri, 29 Apr 2011 21:32:00 -0500

I do yoga to ‘Street Fighting Man.’

I am pretty good at eating an orange.

I am very opinionated although I do not care about too many things.

I prefer cool, cloudy weather.

Drinking tea is nice.

I’m President of the Lazyites Club.

If you want to meet me hang out at the Linkyshire coffee shop.

Keyboard Karma

Tue, 19 Apr 2011 21:34:00 -0500

Bought a new keyboard for my laptop.

Had to use an old keyboard tray to put it on.

Had to turn the table over to install the keyboard tray.

The table was a lot heavier than I anticipated.

Had to find a drill to drill the holes for the tray but

I only had a high speed drill that burned the wood a little…

No permanent damage but…

The keyboard tray forced my sitting position back…

which forced my chair back…

over the edge of the carpet so…

I had to change the direction of the carpet to account for the distance.

But the carpet was dirty so I had to clean up the floor.

But then everything on my desk was out of reach so…

I had to rearrange my desk and then my file cabinet.

It was a lot of work.

I hope my idiocy isn’t permanent.

John Puterhead Helps Pinky

Tue, 22 Mar 2011 21:34:00 -0500

Pinky was afraid her old puter would die.

Sometimes there was a streak on her screen and sometimes there wasn’t.

It was a mystery.

Puters are scary.

Her decision took a whole year.

But John Puterhead helped.

He took her to the store to ‘just look’ at the beautiful, new puters.

Wow!

They were slim like air, and had instant-on gratification.

John Puterhead showed her the least expensive thin one.

And she bought it.

Now I want Pinky’s puter.

Postcard from Paul

Sat, 19 Mar 2011 21:35:00 -0500

Paul is out of the country again.

He sent me a card from Japan.

He got a job at the Imperial Palace.

He sweeps the paths outside.

It is a zen job, he says.

It makes him happy.

It is a sustainable, green job, he says.

This Time of Year

Tue, 15 Mar 2011 21:36:00 -0500

This time of year it is wet in Linkyshire.

People walk along with their heads down

to avoid the pelting rain.

I drink my Golden Yunnan tea from a bodum glass.

I don’t mind the weather.

It makes me feel that it’s ok to stay inside.

Visitors from Russia

Sat, 26 Feb 2011 21:36:00 -0600

Thank you for visiting Linkyshire!

Oh distinguished visitors from Russia!

You are very far away.

I wish I could see you.

But I can see you on the google map.

The map is fascinating to an infant like me.

I extend this welcome to you:

welcome to Linkyshire,

the best of all places.

P.S. Perhaps you’d like to join the Lazyites Club.

P.P. S. It doesn’t cost anything.

The Simple Act of Recycling

Wed, 09 Feb 2011 21:37:00 -0600

I go down to my mailbox.

I empty the mailbox.

I walk into the garage holding my mail.

I lift the top of the recycling bin and

Toss my mail into the bin.

All Roads Lead to Linkyshire

Tue, 01 Feb 2011 21:37:00 -0600

I was coming home from N-Town, a mere 8 miles away.

Then it started to snow, heavily.

All the cars slowed down

Because we were all scared of crashing our cars together.

I turned North and all the cars were there.

I turned West and all the cars were there.

I got to thinking, after I created a new lane for myself in the snow,

that all roads lead to Linkyshire,

because everyone was going there with me.

Massive numbers of cars were coming from the Interstate.

Massive numbers of cars were coming from the side roads.

That made time go more slowly…

I kept switching my radio on and off and

We made a long double line of cars

that moved toward Linkyshire.

Linkyshire is popular, even when it snows!

Badal's Karma

Sun, 30 Jan 2011 21:38:00 -0600

There was a cat in the tree

in the middle of a snow storm.

And there was Badel

on a ladder

hoisting his 80 year old frame up the ladder.

I saw him from the window of my unit and called out to him,

“What are you doing Badal?”

“Oh, it’s you,” he said, “I’m balancing my karma…

“you see, there’s a cat stuck in this tree. I’m going to get it down.”

I went down and held the ladder for him.

I thought I’d balance the ladder for him.

Fictitious Brewster

Sat, 01 Jan 2011 21:39:00 -0600

I put down my 7th cigarette, left my apartment and headed downtown,

Swerving and cutting off the laggards in the left lane,

My Mini-Cooper rocketing underneath me…

It was one of those sultry days of summer when anything can happen.

And happen it did.

Once parked, I walked into the coffee shop and I saw her standing there…

her sharp cut hair was audaciously out of alignment,

her heels on the throat of my friend John,

what the heck,

and there was Mayor Armapple by her side smiling wistfully…

then I woke up, faintly refreshed unready for the day.

John's Story of the 3 Voles

Tue, 28 Dec 2010 21:38:00 -0600

John published another story.

You might remember the first two.

There once were three voles.

They lived in three houses right next to each other.

Every chance they got they stole food from the other two voles.

When the middle vole went shopping the other two would steal his food.

When the vole on the left went out the other two voles would steal his food.

This was inconvenient.

So the middle vole suggested they go on a quest for food, together.

So they did.

In the middle of the trek, the middle vole had an idea.

He said he was sick and headed home.

He stole the other voles food and ate it in his kitchen, just like it was his own.

The other two voles found their food gone when they came home.

They went out to complain to the moon.

They saw each other in the moonlight, complaining„,

and then they had an idea.

They jumped up on the middle voles roof and did a dance to annoy him.

He came out of his house and the two voles on the roof spat at him so he had to go back inside.

The next day a big cat moved into the neighborhood.

And the voles didn’t go out anymore.

They had their food delivered.

Brilliant, I say.

Coyotes

Tue, 21 Dec 2010 21:40:00 -0600

Coyotes are dogs aren’t they?

I like dogs.

But the Linkyshire coyotes argue a lot.

And that is unacceptable.

Because their arguing is scary.

I feel scared when they’re all together like that.

And arguing.

About some bone or something.

In the middle of the night.

In the middle of Linkyshire.

When I’m not trying to sleep.

When I’m all alone.

S.O.S. from Linkyshire

Thu, 09 Dec 2010 21:40:00 -0600

Pinky never comes to LInkyshire anymore.

As you may recall she said Linkyshire was boring.

It has been so long since she’s been here.

Of course, I have been to Pinkyshire.

But I find Pinkyshire boring.

And her house isn’t Pink anymore either.

It’s ORANGE.

So what is going on?

So what to do?

Do you have any suggestions?

I’m going to the dog park to think about it.