July 2011
1 post
Day 1: This Is Evantonian
The sun is raining in through my window.
I feel greatly refreshed.
Today is going to be great.
It is Badminton Day.
After breakfast,
I’m going to prove to the badminton judges
just how good I am.
June 2011
3 posts
1 tag
Afraid of Crackers
Lately, I’ve been afraid of crackers.
You know, they’re very dry,
dryer than they need to be.
Whenever I see a pack of crackers,
in my living room,
in my bedroom,
in my bathroom,
I get nervous.
Why are there so many crackers around?
Why is it that when I’m afraid of them,
they appear?
Maybe its moths.
I dont know, just guessing.
1 tag
Library Feud
The Librarians from Evantonian came to our library today.
They parked a big white truck in the no parking zone.
Each one of their librarians wore a big grin as they entered our library.
The noise level rose as they came out.
I could actually hear the Library like it was an electronic aria.
And although it was far, far away
I could hear the electronic aria from the Evantonian Library.
...
LPD Migration
For some reason,
members of the LPD (Linkyshire Police Department) have taken jobs in town.
For instance, Harmon, the night patrol guy, is working as a dishwasher.
Reports indicate they all met by the fountain two nights ago
and threw their hand guns into the water.
I went to check and sure enough
there was a pile of them there
rusting away.
Evantonian truck traffic has increased.
The...
May 2011
1 post
How To Fool a Fly
Observe the fly on a door frame.
Grab a stiff envelope.
Walk by the fly as if nothing is going to happen.
Once past the fly and out of sight,
turn,
and slap the envelope against the fly’s position.
Observe the fly on the floor in the next room.
April 2011
4 posts
Fly Season
Or summer as it is sometimes called,
Is coming again.
I am not looking forward to it.
The other day, a big ugly fly banged into my head.
Annoying, and just like fly season.
Iceland sounds better.
I think I’ll go there this summer.
For Men: Instructions for a Proper Date
I heard this on the TV the other day on the local Linkyshire station.
I think Mayor Armapple was interviewing a resident psychiatrist…
It was stated with sincerity.
I thought I’d pass it along to you.
Go to a coffee shop.
Get coffee.
Sit down next to a girl you think you like.
Or wait for one to come into the coffee shop. It could take a while.
Strike up a conversation.
Then ask,...
Self-Portrait & Invite
I do yoga to ‘Street Fighting Man.’
I am pretty good at eating an orange.
I am very opinionated although I do not care about too many things.
I prefer cool, cloudy weather.
Drinking tea is nice.
I’m President of the Lazyites Club.
If you want to meet me hang out at the Linkyshire coffee shop.
Keyboard Karma
Bought a new keyboard for my laptop.
Had to use an old keyboard tray to put it on.
Had to turn the table over to install the keyboard tray.
The table was a lot heavier than I anticipated.
Had to find a drill to drill the holes for the tray but
I only had a high speed drill that burned the wood a little…
No permanent damage but…
The keyboard tray forced my sitting position...
March 2011
3 posts
John Puterhead Helps Pinky
Pinky was afraid her old puter would die.
Sometimes there was a streak on her screen and sometimes there wasn’t.
It was a mystery.
Puters are scary.
Her decision took a whole year.
But John Puterhead helped.
He took her to the store to ‘just look’ at the beautiful, new puters.
Wow!
They were slim like air, and had instant-on gratification.
John Puterhead showed her the least expensive...
Postcard from Paul
Paul is out of the country again.
He sent me a card from Japan.
He got a job at the Imperial Palace.
He sweeps the paths outside.
It is a zen job, he says.
It makes him happy.
It is a sustainable, green job, he says.
This Time of Year
This time of year it is wet in Linkyshire.
People walk along with their heads down
to avoid the pelting rain.
I drink my Golden Yunnan tea from a bodum glass.
I don’t mind the weather.
It makes me feel that it’s ok to stay inside.
February 2011
3 posts
Visitors from Russia
Thank you for visiting Linkyshire!
Oh distinguished visitors from Russia!
You are very far away.
I wish I could see you.
But I can see you on the google map.
The map is fascinating to an infant like me.
I extend this welcome to you:
welcome to Linkyshire,
the best of all places.
P.S. Perhaps you’d like to join the Lazyites Club.
P.P. S. It doesn’t cost anything.
The Simple Act of Recycling
I go down to my mailbox.
I empty the mailbox.
I walk into the garage holding my mail.
I lift the top of the recycling bin and
Toss my mail into the bin.
All Roads Lead to Linkyshire
I was coming home from N-Town, a mere 8 miles away.
Then it started to snow, heavily.
All the cars slowed down
Because we were all scared of crashing our cars together.
I turned North and all the cars were there.
I turned West and all the cars were there.
I got to thinking, after I created a new lane for myself in the snow,
that all roads lead to Linkyshire,
because everyone was going...
January 2011
2 posts
Badal's Karma
There was a cat in the tree
in the middle of a snow storm.
And there was Badel
on a ladder
hoisting his 80 year old frame up the ladder.
I saw him from the window of my unit and called out to him,
“What are you doing Badal?”
“Oh, it’s you,” he said, “I’m balancing my karma…
“you see, there’s a cat stuck in this tree. I’m going to get it down.”
I went down and held the ladder for...
Fictitious Brewster
I put down my 7th cigarette, left my apartment and headed downtown,
Swerving and cutting off the laggards in the left lane,
My Mini-Cooper rocketing underneath me…
It was one of those sultry days of summer when anything can happen.
And happen it did.
Once parked, I walked into the coffee shop and I saw her standing there…
her sharp cut hair was audaciously out of alignment,
her...
December 2010
5 posts
John's Story of the 3 Voles
John published another story.
You might remember the first two.
There once were three voles.
They lived in three houses right next to each other.
Every chance they got they stole food from the other two voles.
When the middle vole went shopping the other two would steal his food.
When the vole on the left went out the other two voles would steal his food.
This was inconvenient.
So the...
Coyotes
Coyotes are dogs aren’t they?
I like dogs.
But the Linkyshire coyotes argue a lot.
And that is unacceptable.
Because their arguing is scary.
I feel scared when they’re all together like that.
And arguing.
About some bone or something.
In the middle of the night.
In the middle of Linkyshire.
When I’m not trying to sleep.
When I’m all alone.
S.O.S. from Linkyshire
Pinky never comes to LInkyshire anymore.
As you may recall she said Linkyshire was boring.
It has been so long since she’s been here.
Of course, I have been to Pinkyshire.
But I find Pinkyshire boring.
And her house isn’t Pink anymore either.
It’s ORANGE.
So what is going on?
So what to do?
Do you have any suggestions?
I’m going to the dog park to think about it.
John's Excuse
He said Pinketoon challenged him.
Chained him like a big dog, he said.
So he took the challenge,
but changed the lock on his door.
See if she’ll be up to that challenge, he said.
So much for his love life, I guess.
John and I went to the dog park to philosophize.
Dogs are wise.
I thought we might learn something.
Pinketoon and John
I saw Pinketoon out in the parking lot.
John was following her,
because she had a leash attached to his neck,
pulling him along.
Pinketoon was skipping or mock skipping around.
I couldn’t tell which.
John followed unresistingly.
What the heck?
November 2010
2 posts
Communications 101
John thought he should become a public speaker.
He attended a class to learn all about it.
Armapple Communications was giving the seminar.
John walked away confused.
He said the tenet of the class included the following ideas:
Pursue your dreams.
Write a seminar.
Learn to use the same slide deck over and over.
Speak about anything you want using the same slide deck.
I thought about this...
Dog Park
Pinky and I wanted to go to the dog park,
but, we didn’t have a dog.
We’d thought about getting a dog,
but, we never did.
So now we had a problem.
How to get into the dog park?
Cuz, you can’t get in without one.
We meandered over to the dog park
and noticed a dog rental shop,
Proprietor: Oliver Armapple.
On the other side of the block we saw
a dog kennel, Proprietor: Oliver Armapple.
...
October 2010
7 posts
White Shirt
There is nothing safer than a white shirt.
I wore it to Evantonian and never had any trouble at all.
Pinky and Her Puter
Pinky’s computer clogged up.
A thousand or more emails are in her inbox.
There is no way she can read them.
There is no way she wants them.
Some people who know Pinky will never get a reply.
Some advertisers will never have her as a customer.
They should think twice before sending out that email.
Not everyone can read all their email.
John Puterhead and Pinky's Puter
John Puterhead was brought in to look at Pinky’s puter.
It was slow.
He looked.
He saw.
He shook his head.
There’s no way I can fix this on my own, he said.
So John Puterhead was stumped.
I was stumped.
Pinky’s puter is slow because of 1000 email and 1000 sticky notes.
Pinky finds this all a bit terrifying.
I think John Puterhead feels the same way.
The Fire
The Burning Arrow Store caught fire.
Fred put it out.
Hurray for Fred!
He is the best fire chief in the world.
I think.
The mall was not affected.
No one fled in panic.
There was no one in the mall at the time.
Hurray for Fred.
Although Fred looks weird in his sunglasses at night.
Linkyshire Machines
Linkyshire has machines.
They operate at night when we’re sleeping.
Sometimes you can hear them but usually not.
They are in the woods and the streams and on the roads.
And what are they doing?
They are making Linkyshire perfect.
They are picking up the pieces of paper, the bottle caps,
glass, and other things that people have left behind.
They are picking up the trash left by those...
Announcement
The Lazyites club is not meeting this week,
just in case you missed it.
Feeling Good in Linkyshire
Sometimes
you just can’t help but feel good about
Linkyshire.
The cars are small.
The lawns are mowed.
The curbs are well maintained.
The town hall is new but looks old-fashioned.
And there are lots of trees
swaying.
September 2010
6 posts
John and Pinketoon
They were standing in the parking lot.
Talking, talking, talking.
Pinketoon looked happy,
gaily chattering away.
John was animated.
They were there for over an hour together.
Then they moved off to the gazebo by the pond.
I don’t think we have to wonder what’s happening here.
Linkyshire does wonderful things for people.
The Moth
Pink (a.k.a Pinky) was in the kitchen.
She was cleaning up.
A moth was floating around the room.
It landed here and there and it became a nuisance.
Pink put on her dishwashing gloves and punched it.
That’s how to deal with a moth, I thought.
High End Mall Store
I went to Linkyshire’s high end mall today.
There was a new store called the Burning Arrow Store.
They sold burning arrows or so they said.
There were slogans on the front of the store that read,
“Do unto others as you would not want them to do unto you”
and a quote from China’s prime minister, “Burning Arrows are for you,”
and a quote from the Australian prime minister, “Shipped discretely...
John Arrives
John is back.
He says he was in Antarctica on a trip.
Don’t believe it. And remember he is from Finland not Antarctica.
When I bumped into him a second time he said he was in the woods for four months.
That is believable.
I know what I want to do now, he said.
What?
I have to find a woman to marry, he said.
But to get a woman I have to get a job, he said.
To get a job I have to take a...
Pinky's Sister
I was sitting around at home.
Minding my own business.
When,
Pinky’s sister showed up.
She introduced herself as Pinketoon.
It sounded like a Canadian territory.
But out of respect for Pinky,
I ushered her in.
She couldn’t sit still.
She kept jumping up to point at something,
to exclaim, to announce, to draw her breath deeply and sharply and exhale.
She talked about art, design,...
John and His Spring Break
John has been on Spring Break for a few months.
No, I haven’t heard from him.
I suspect he is very well.
I’m sure his explorations will lead him back to Linkyshire.
Why shouldn’t they?
His mini-cooper is still here.
August 2010
5 posts
The Danger of Summer
A fly landed on my head today in the coffee shop.
I tried to swat at it and hit myself on the head.
I wish summer were over.
Then the flies would be dead.
Then I could sit in the coffee shop peacefully,
and not be a danger to myself.
Brewster's Musings about the 25th Century
Do you ever consider yourself unlucky to be living in the 21st century?
I mean what if you were living in the 25th century?
I think I’d like to be living in the 25th century.
I think the 25th century would be more like the Jetsons.
Wouldn’t that be better?
But maybe I would be gnawing on bones in the sand trap of a life.
There’s no way to tell for sure.
Linkyshire is pretty nice this time...
Flies in the Coffee Shop
Well, I’ve avoided this topic all summer.
Grim it is.
There is more than one fly in the coffee shop these days.
<rant>
I just want to go in there with a big fan and blow them all around the shop.
They mess me up.
They sit on my cup.
The owner doesn’t care.
They fill the air.
<end rant>
I am unhappy.
John Puterhead Touches a Computer
Mrs. Magellan looked sad.
Her computer was broken.
She asked me if I could fix it but I declined.
Computers are just a nuisance to me.
Not that I hate them or anything.
I prefer driving around in my Mini-Cooper.
Later I saw John Puterhead with Mrs. Magellan’s computer under his arm.
I knew it was in good hands.
Gunning for Bunnies
Arbo turned 14 and got his learner’s permit.
He asked me if I would teach him to drive.
His Dad was away, permanently.
I couldn’t refuse really.
My heart is made of American cheese.
I drove out to a country dirt road and put him behind the wheel.
He was doing fine most of the time.
Then he started moving in spurts.
Starting, speeding then stopping.
Dust plumes rose around us.
What are...
July 2010
2 posts
Boxes
Pinky has more boxes than anyone I know.
They are not organized. I mention that because one would think that if someone went to the trouble of putting so many things in so many boxes that they would be.
But they’re not.
The boxes are all over the place.
Some are quite old.
Some have utility bills in them from another time and place.
Some have keepsakes.
You never know what’s in them until...
John Puterhead Answers a Question About the...
He said ‘hi’.
I said ‘hi’.
He introduced himself as John Puterhead.
I asked him if he knew about the Linkyshire Militia since it was on my mind.
He looked at me a little puzzled and then quickly asked me,
You mean ‘The Militia? The video game?
A video game?
Yeah, it was popular a few years ago. It’s old hat now.
Oh, I said. Can you find out if Mayor Armapple plays that game?
Sure, he...
John Puterhead
John Puterhead moved in last night.
He is like Johnny Appleseed in a way.
He helps people with their computers.
He’s nice.
He helped Mrs. Magellan send an email.
And he helped Arbo who was trying to hack into a website.
I’m not sure if that counts.
He said ‘hi’ to me in the hall.
I hope he’s nice.
I hope he’s not in the militia.
June 2010
5 posts
I Dream of Pinkyshire
Pinky did not want me to come to her new place.
She said I was too big for Pinkyshire.
But I went anyway.
I knew my Mini-Cooper was the right size.
The stepping stones to her new pink house were
small, small, small.
I had to tiptoe to her little front door.
My knocking on it seemed to rattle the whole neighborhood.
When she opened the door she had on a little pink bonnet.
She was smaller...
Frogs in the Militia
Last night frogs croaked in the pond.
I could hear them through my window.
They got louder and louder.
The traffic diminished.
They got louder and louder.
I listened to them.
They chorused, “Mu Li Sha”.
Militia
Every time we talk we mention the word ‘militia’.
Pinky thinks Armapple was trying to be nice.
Militia is on my tongue when I brush my teeth.
There is nothing I can do about it.
I await the next step whatever it is.
I have no idea.
Armapple's Office
Mayor Armapple’s office has nice Herman Miller chairs.
Mayor Armapple graduated from Herman Miller college in Woffsburg, Germany.
He said nice things about LInkyshire.
Then he asked me about my Mini-Cooper which is what polite Linkyshire people say to each other.
We talked about the weather.
Linkyshire’s weather is a bit toasty these days, he said.
Then he said some mean things about...
Why I don't call Pinky Fluffy
Pinky’s hair is fluffy.
Her head is very small.
Her hair sticks out and makes her head look larger than it is.
But I do not call her Fluffy.
First of all, the name Fluffy is derogatory.
Fluffy is a dog’s name.
Pinky is a human being and except when she is annoyed she is sweet.
Therefore she does not fit the Fluffy stereotype.
Therefore I do not call her Fluffy.